Welcome To The World Of Yuki And Miko!!

2012-02-10T13:24:00.002+08:00

Im so scared. So scared whn he doesnt reply. When he doesnt reply i feel he dont care. Because like idk somemore you dk what he's doing and boys thinking sometimes corrupted and scary then i really dk like whether at a pt he wants to hold another persons hand or smth....but the other week was worse. I rather like that all the time thewn last week.. maybe i shldnt be too despo...

2012-02-09T14:12:00.002+08:00

Feeling quite upset now. Just....and the worse thing is he's not even making any effort to make me feel better. I mean, yeah of cos girls cn make the effort but i have been doing that. And the worse is he is not even trying. Why must he make me so upset. As in i alr smsed him yesterday alr yknow. Yknow i msg him everyday night he will reply. But now?? Oh nevermind i guess he's already thinking of some girl alr. And the second thing which i shall nt mention. God im really so upset.... Its like he just doesnt wna talk to me or care anymore. And he's not even cheering me up, he cld call me or smth what. But now im very upset + insecure+ angry. He doesnt wna talk to me fine im not gonna make the effort anymore. He just upsets me too much. Help, somebody.

2012-02-06T22:28:00.001+08:00

God feeling so bad right now. Its like why is tjc moving everything so quickly. Just yesterday i got to see the new timetable and now they removed it before i gotta even go and print it out. Why is everything moving on so fast? Everything feels so different. Now im pissed because my mum just blamed me for complaining bout tjc i mean whats wrog to complain she just is bias to tjhink im biased bout tjc. Sigh. And this is jus getting a bad sttart to my sch term. Seriously. Everything must slow down....

And then theres him. Kepp sleeping and stuff. I feel so insecure lord...really.

2012-02-02T16:34:00.002+08:00

Lord father, i am a sinner. Help.

I feel so weirdly lost. I hate myself sometimes. I dont wana face the challenges ahead. I cnt do it anymore. Im caving in soon. Help.

Dengue . Heng i never get tht.

But yet my heart aches. Because inside im a really selfish person.

2012-01-14T15:27:00.002+08:00

Hey life, you have been really challenging so far. But guess what, its thru this ups and downs in my life that i have grown closer to Him. Yea i cried i wailed i practically screamed but yea closer still. Thru my serve progranme.i learn o surrender my life completely to hin. During one of my quiet times it dawned unto me that to feel the most secre its too aurrender our lives o him. Cos he knows whats best fpr us. Sometimes though im angry by what happeb like hen maybe i will lose someone. But yet god works fpr the gpod fpr those who love him. Yes though im still frequently scared and sad but thia is life pprtrayed to you.

Now for a more lighter thing. I feel vey happy that i can see him frequently and idk if this is what but outta so manu ppl i am in the same grp as hi.m. Wow:) and sitting beside him is pleasure;) but i know that my motove onserve is nt him bt purely for god. To god b the glory.

Yes maybe after this thing his feelings for me may nt be tht strpng ecause pf the lettong go thiing bt...ohwell. This is lofe o guess. Bt somehow i wish that he cld jus tone it dpwn to a simple liking without any developed feuhvlike me but yet its all part of his will. ...Sian ok better not write anythig else or imma gonna emo.

2012-01-12T22:11:00.001+08:00

Wah feeling very crappy bout myself.. Feeling like idk where im gooing. This also.cnt that also.cnt.. Dam sian. Haiz. Hope this gets bettee soon:-\

2012-01-08T15:48:00.002+08:00

Sigh everything jus fell to pieces. I just feel like hugging him so tightly but somehow i know it's not right .... and idk what happen to his hand...did he cut it by accident or because of depression I feel sccared that I make him liddat no wonder Valerie ignored me...why am I so evil sigh why didn't I stop earlier I just feel so bleach and now I feel that life is meaningless lord pls help I feel really terrible..;.......... Ughugh b. I just feel so empty that there's something missin I feel lost I feel scared...

2011-12-31T22:19:00.000+08:00

You suck you suck you suck idc!!!!!!

Haha this morning.

Im not gonna talk to you tmr..

1min later.

Hello?

Joke.
Why cnt i help it. Sigh:)

2011-12-30T22:29:00.002+08:00

Yes these five days shall be the time i grow independent. And not be too dependent. Okay that sounds totally stupid cos i just flipped the words lol...:( haha i will prove it to myself and God and my mum and romy that i will not fail them. After all, who says im weak haha:) i feel inner peace. Why am i always suffering from this type of problems lol. And qi they all also:(
Wish i ws like 20 now srsly hahaa. But then i always get bullied...

Hmmph i think right, i will probably be crying the next few hrs so pls buy tissue anybody who sees this hehe:)

2011-12-29T14:14:00.002+08:00

Sigh. Its just like, 8 more hrs till i actuually knw the result , and this is...very...:(
Dk how i wld react. Sigh. Thanks vlogger for taking in all my frustrations. Ok nid change mood to happy so that the movie wld not be such an unpleasant one for me and the rest. Gosh, somehow it sucks, but ....

Uh gosh wonder if jerome's the one typing to alvin, very srsly then its like...i think he..:(

Oh nvm..

I wonder if he keep his promise anot. Oh well:(

2011-12-29T14:03:00.002+08:00

Srsly feeling like crap now. Im angry yet sorry.

Its like, our first grp date, and you had to tell me the wrong time so of cos im angry. But yet, im sorry cos you got the humiliation of trying to make it or smth.

And worse, idk if you still feel the same way as before.

God, help here pls. I need You.

2011-12-28T22:08:00.003+08:00

Sigh and every hr im fervently praying for myself not to worry. Idk who to talk to. As in yeah my friends were a great help, but they cnt confirm that ...nth wrong will happen. Its just two more hrs now. But yet it sucks that i cnt wait to see the result, if he still likes me. I feel like....i just feel very bad.

This is worse then o level results, trust me. I think i have grown bout 20 white hair uh. And formed dark circles ard my eyes.
Sian.

Please, do whatever you want to me, Lord Jesus. I will gladly abide.

Every new day
Your glory unfolds
Filling my eyes
With your treasure untold
The beauty of holiness brings worship anew
My greatest love is you
Call me deeper in your grace
The river tht flows from your holy grace
Wash over me
Clleansing me thru
My greatest love is you

................

Please dont be in love in someone else
Please dont let somebody wait on you
By taylor swift:)

2011-12-28T13:04:00.002+08:00

If you guys have been following me on twitter and blogger i have been posting alot more this few days:(

Its exactly, 10 more hrs and 50 more min:) gosh this is treal bad. And he's coming at 12 meaning when i wake up then i knw if he still feels the same way...

Thats 18 more hrs. Sigh:(

2011-12-27T18:48:00.001+08:00

Please please please like me still pls i promise you i will cherish sigh please??
But yes i still wan open and honest communication.
My eight days really gonna over soon though, so excited yet nervous. And finally my dad allow me go out on grp dates with you, how miraclous is that. Shld have trusted you on the God will make a way thing:p?

But please please please this is a test for you please still like me or else you say you will treat me ice cream but idw ice cream ok please ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 more day and 5 more hrs:):(

2011-12-24T18:09:00.003+08:00

Trying really very hard to read thru all the verses you taught me..bout how God works for the good of His ppl. Of how not to worry o me of little faith. That because you cloth the lilies and birds of the air and why do i still nid to worry. But its so hard when youre nt here to remind me. And im feeling alittle scared. 8 days gone. Dk what wld it be like when you came back..i hope everything will remain the same.

Sigh.

I will try my best to trust You and you. Both.

After all, its all God's will.

There, im feeling better.

Thanks for talking to me blogger:D really appreciate it. And thanks you for the many verses. Just cld be better when you are reading it..

God is good
All the time
He put a song of praise in this heart of mine
God is good
All the time
Through the darkest hour his light will shine
God is good
All the time

We were sinners so unworthy
Still for us he chose to die
Do not fear
He will guide you
He will keep you safe and sound
Cos he has promised
To never leave
Nor forsake you
And his word is true

:)

I will be strong. God, im relying on you now..

Stomachache:(

2011-12-05T15:41:00.001+08:00

Xiaoen Xiaoen one more day you can do it lol.

Feel that I wanna say so much sia about everything hahaha

Tmr yes tmr:)

And I did a test up for you btw haha

2011-12-04T15:13:00.002+08:00

Its the second day. I miss you alot now...
I only disobeyed you one time. I didnt eat dinner. I never never never eat alr.. i got eat all meals:) and i also got do quiet time hehe:) and i never fall sick!! but i got so many things to tell you.. so many so many. Its gonna be the third day soon!!
Michelle tell me what you cn do alr!! I say you wanted to help, she say you do pa with joseph. I very happy all this is cleared alr:) i pass anot today. Shld be 9 upon 10.
Ohyeah, i heeded your advice to try to treat everyone like my friends and to be more confident. I think....i passed fairly? Not so good but still pass ah! And mich's impromptu i tried to translate as well very scary but you want me to try some adrenaline rights!!
I wonder what you doing now? Recc the place, or buying gifts for everyone (hinthint:p)
When i go china i wont buy anything for you hor if you dont buy for me!!
Today i ate mcwings eh!!! Then i rmbr you take the tissue and buying for me heeh.
Gtg mum is here. See you soon:)

2011-11-16T10:15:00.002+08:00

Awww mann woke up feeling like quite weird. Every part of my body look weird somehow. Like my eyes. Its abit sore i feel? Gosh, maybe its the prom theats making me feel like this srsly.
But anw, still quite happy for ytd and ytd ytd shopping and talking on the phone:)

If only this cld continue forever.

Lord, let me learn to trust in You.

And him.

That everything will work out well.

Have been spending more time praying bout everything. Very glad for the holy spirit to be here i cn feel its presence somehow guiding me to each step i take. Byut that doesnt explain how i got lost for 45 min trying to get frm bedok mrt to the library hehe. Feeling quite slpey now actuallu. Addios.:)

2011-11-12T12:14:00.001+08:00

Felt sad
I called you
Was even sadder
Then you cheered me up
Made me feel everythings okay again
Then the bombshell came
And everything kept tumbling down like a glass that cn never be patched back agaiin

Why?
Why is liking someone tht likes you back so so hard?
Harder then someone you like but its only one sided?
Cos i belive i cried less then this last few years.......
Why?

And everything which turned for the better just came falling right down on me again.

2011-09-30T21:43:00.002+08:00

Ugh, hate the crap im feeling now. All i wanted was to talk to you for an hour..and you had to cut off.

And then there are many thoughts running thru my head right now. Idk whther to feel whatever..

If only life cn be as simple as abc.

And its like he goes suspiciously quiet over some stuff like whats happening tmr and i feel so..down..
Some girl or smth? Idk.....

2011-09-20T12:55:00.001+08:00

Feeling really....wettish right now lol. All cos of 'jeremy' lah, say it will rain cos there is pasar malam :) then it really rain i cnt go and buy my salted chicken. And i had no umbrella so me and syidah shared all the way to the busstop but my whole behind was still super wet. And syidah and sweekkee were going pasir ris mrt and i was going bck home so sk told me to borrow a cardboard from the pasar malam uncle and he eas dam nice cos he gave me one whole big one. But quite embarrassing cos everyone was staring at me hahahaahahhahahahahahahahahaaa

2011-09-12T14:23:00.002+08:00

Shld i or shld i not?
Thank God for chem paper at least i could do the first step. Linking back to which chap it came from
Yay me :)
Todays the day, todays the day i will really focus.. today is the day

2011-09-11T18:19:00.002+08:00

And suddenly everything gets better because of that sms . Sorry had prayer and praise first befroe heading to my aunt s house. I so smurf my cousins hehe :)

Studied chem, but really unstable. Nvm, i shall work harder for o levels.

And i love the movie, beauty on duty
Gogogo :)

And suddenly everything gets better...mmmm.....

God, can you help me stay like this forever?

2011-09-11T17:29:00.001+08:00

1 plus 1 suddenly doesnt seem like two anymore.
This shows that life is in a swirl for me. Ii keep telling myself head over heart, but sometimes it doesnt work out. I keep telling myself to concentrate, but yet a minute later im sxared and lonely. Thanks to alot who wan to be there for me but i just cnt say it..as in when im with my friends i will get away from all my problems and i will feel happy, but the thought of goodbye will really drain my soul. And i am also quite joyful. MY GRANDPARENTS!! They came yesterday and boy, was i glad. I felt like the whole world suddenly made sense. Ohwell :)

2011-09-09T21:28:00.002+08:00

Yknow the feeling sucks when you dw to feel this way but somehow ...i feel this way. Sigh. Why is xiaoen xiaoen. Why cant xiaoen just be abit more normal..if only i know whats my problem. Okay maybe its just because of me not being ready i really hope thats the thing. Really hope really hope. But now i know that all now i have to do is to concentrate and put my feelings aside. Cos if i let my feelings come out the feeling is very very scary. I thought no one felt this way but wesley also felt so. But the problem was he knew what to do. Idk what to do. And i always happen to have these kinda problems right before some major exam. Sigh. Is my life destined for some suddenly like suddenly dont like these kinda thing. Cos if liddat i feel dam sucker aahole ah. Ughughughugh. But this is life. That is why i really want only hundred days. Anw something happen. My grandparents not going mid autumn tmr, how to save them. Then they had a fight bout why they want me to go stay in someone house or smth. Then my father abit crampy everywhere.

God, i haven settle my own digusted feelings and you wan me to have many other problems?

Just feel that no one really understand how i feel.

Have to keep trusting that God will kkeep bringing us the right way. Cos my feelings now doesnt really .....it sucks

2011-09-08T21:00:00.001+08:00

Hello, weirdest person of the century.... I feel like a crap of aaaahole why can't I control this stupid emotions of mine. I really hate myself. I shall post T'mr instead

2011-09-05T21:15:00.002+08:00

hi its me again :)
really sorry for that emo post yesterday paranoia kicked in again for the maybe thousandth time in a day. yknow i often ask myself, why am i so emotional?? why ppl younger than me can handle emotions so well, even ppl my age, yet when it comes to me all i have is tears and fear? this brings me back to the memories i had last year. this guy kinda liked me and maybe i had kinda liked him too, but i thought i was the most unworthy person in the whole wide world, the most no-guy-shld-ever-like kinda person and i kept pushing him away. so ended up not together. the main thing was fear that it didnt work out, he didnt like me tht much, he will like another girl soon, and stuff like that. and its been 6 months, but yet this emotions never strayed away from me. well, my dad said that emotionally, i am always two years behind my peers. they remembered how i cried when i went to the first day of primary school. how i had practically dragged my grandmother with me and when she went away all i did was cry. generally every NORMAL p1 would be alive and ready to meet new ppl, yet i was the only one crying down there. see how immature i am. emotionally. this is bad. i really really...sometimes hate this side of me. but yet, i know that this is me, and there are good sides as well

right now i have a personal diary to God, cos i realised that as much blogging helps me destress, publicly announcing is not called for. well, so far all of them is actually bout the same thing. just a side thing. " God, are you bored tht everyday i just keep repating the same old thing of me being scared that he dosnt like me anymore and everything?" i really hope not.

as fragile as life is, its not all that meaningless after all.

im also quite thankful for andrea and joan. i was actually asking them to sit near the soccer field cos i wanted to see him. and all the time they were talking to me, i was actually looking at him play soccer. hha. but yet he didnt even return any glance at me. and i actually thought also that he didnt want to talk to me and left for soccer. i felt that the whole world was caving apart. but when i was with my friends i wasnt really thinking so i kept brushigng that thought aside. but when i finally felt lonely and going to watch smurfs, i felt really terrible. though maybe i still feel that maybe his liking for me is fading away, which i really do not hope so, i will try my best nt to get emotionally attached first.
to be emotionally detached means that i wont let this issue make my emotions and mood fluctuate easily. it doesnt mean that i will not like him after one month, it just means that my emotions are better controlled. so if you are seeing this (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE JERRY :)) then, i just wanna say if i cnt help it butcall you you nid to remind me tht i cant do this that i must stop and get over this barrier first. and i ..of course do miss you. but do you?

k

2011-09-04T16:16:00.002+08:00

Dk whethr he will see this anot. But someone forgot bout me to play soccer alr. How sad life is. And i cnt believe i was so ...happy bout the phone call tht what..we can see each other every sunday. Maybe..ugh. life itself. Idk. Whats...happening? He doesnt like me anymore. I shld like shut up and get on with life then.

2011-08-21T20:45:00.002+08:00

hi blogger. long time no post. i nearly forgot my password. hmm :) many things have happen recently not gonna mention it right now. but feeling so....idk. everytime its really hard to refresh myself to God once again. because once i step out of the house, once i see things, hear things....the world is tempting me back to return to it, to rekindle this...feeling. see, wht the world is coming to nowadays. now and then we would hear some dirty language, see some impure things, think some impure thoughts. or even worse, act out these. its scary jus knowing we live in this world, full of monsters and demons, and...insects. ok nt that i hate them but seriously im real scared of tem. but whats worse is the tmptation between the world and God. will we be able to hold on to what is true, noble ppure and righteous. its all very hard. im really fortunate i have many church friends around me in sch and church and loving parents to guide me the right way. though its still hard.

well, sometimes i look okay, but what is outside on my face is not what appears to be inside of me. inside my brain, many thoughts are running eveyr second. its like a ..machine/??

im quite surprised i could even start and do my work. act normal. do that smile smle thing again. actually there was one moment i was happy. playing with jenson and julius. told you they were my first love. they just have that irresistable .......ahhhh!:) see, everytime i think of them i would cheer up. abit.

future.future.future. isnt what everybody think of nowadays. hmph.

i miss you. although im scared that i will rekindle this affection. though im scared of the feelings swooshing over me and all the old things come back but...i still wanna talk to you bt whenever you talk to me i feel scared of everything idk why. not scared of you, but scared of the future. whats gonna happen.

i really miss you.

2011-08-04T19:46:00.003+08:00

AAARRRRRGGHHHH....

why must this kinda things happen, esp now..?
sorry j, i really must be honest in saying what i feel.. i knew it. i ijus knew it. we are so nt ready.

its not your fault and its entirely my fault. you are a dam sweetie, still are. its just that im not ready. you said i was ready but apparently i think im not. though i like the bliss of you and i together, but i cant brush away the fact of the deep burden idk why also thats bothering me. its just mainly saying tht im not ready at all.

right nw, the most upsetting thing that upsets me is that i know you like me alot so im worried you might not hang in there. i dont even care bout myself . to me , im now having mixed feelings with myself. i guess i myself is anyhow but........

arrgrh. i bet every reader is more confusd.

basically this is the story.

i and j started out as friends then after that got together. but i sometimes like him abit sometimes alot sometimes not even at all but this is rare only when im thinking bout many things. so when i really like him i go out with him and everything i feel so happy. and blissful. but when i suddenly dont like him (though he is the sweetest person ive met)as much then i feel guilty. i cant. its like a fake thin.g. ughh. and moreover as i said im not ready for a relationship simply cos i wanna concentrate on my studies and cos i don wan God in the picture yet, its just not spiritualy la. and i feel sad about this things. so i cant concentrate. so i could not take it anymore. i know there is more times when i like him alot but still.........the other times? yeah so basically now i told him and he told me we are not friends anymore and that got me crying in the mock exam i hope no one saw but i think linus and thaha saw it. ok maybe not. ohwell. so then jus had a long chat with him ah and i know he's feeling terrible when i ask him toforget me and right now i am feeling upset cos he is feeling dam upset ..but i know ..i jus know we cant be together la. its like i know im nt goonna be a dentist next time. yeah. so at least he try to forget me and then if i still like him then thats a diff story.

bt hey, idk why right im so weird. i start out liking somebody and then when the person eventually falls for me i suddenly dont like the person, im weird rught. and i have weird things like liking j alot and abit at the same time. and i have my funny tantrums. ugh. maybe i cant get married. at al. ohwell.

but let me tell you the many things j did la, i cant rmemeber all but ill try
-gave me th winnie the pooh that i will cherish forever
and the bubbles to blow when im feeling low
-studied with me dk how many freaking times
-talked with me late in the night when im feeling scared
-a good sms partner
-gave me a stressball kinda bread cos he knew that when i see food i wont be hungry
-paid for my dinner
-listen to my ups and downs and belive me they are alot
-send me home cos he knew that i was scared of the dark
-gave me 180 songs to put into the ipod
-call me everyday seriously to release my stress
-taught me pa
-gave me his jacket when i was feeling dam cold
-basically, the nicest bf to have la
-doesnt scold or get angry even when i do something wrong
-i cant believe hes not angry now even when i treted him like crap now
-idk idk why he is jus so nice

and me what did i do for him?

NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL.
all the more why im feeling upset. the one who shld be angry and breaking up shld be him not me. yet i gave him another peice of crap and have been treating him like crap and now i am asking him to forget me.

it seems like im just too blessed.

but as i said, relationships and love...shall put them aside..its a nono..at least for years to come. \

God, please help me.

2011-08-02T17:38:00.000+08:00

ugh.

2011-07-14T19:53:00.002+08:00

seems like a pretty long time since i posted ..bout two weeks plus or maybe a little longer. been busy with everyday ending bout 5 . then rushing off for tuition and then trying to do homework on the way to tuition or while eating.

this week started off pretty well..sadly things will just wanna come our way when we lead a suddenly smooth life. life itself, tries to make us grasp the harsh reality of life. life will always be full of ups and downs. many a times, we always complain bout the complicated life we are living, but actually i sudeenly see the simplicity of it. up and down we go, sometimes swaying left and right. if your family goes well, your friends will have problems. when friends and family and evrything just goes smoothly even just for one day..nah it is not possiible.

change. how much i hate that word. but yet, i think really like the essay i read, brings pros and cons. today life let me look at the bigger picture of life. previously confused boout who am i , confused and doubting every single word i said whether it was from my heart anot. and really thankful for my father's counselling yet again. really grateful . shall treat him extra good ...:)

so as i was saying..previously i keep thinking. why others can stay constant with their friends and everything yet i try to do everything i can but yet mine doesnt work out. why why why. and feeling disturbed previously , i talked to many ppl bout it, not for the sake of letting ppl know so that they can carry on the bad impression, but when my mind is disturbed i nid to talk to alot of ppl. but since maybe a few weeks ago or recently i realised the dire consequences of this, cos i am ruining somebody's reputation, so i keep it to myself. actually nope never keep to myself cos i really cant. but i do tell almost everything to my fathr who gives me really good advice as well as my good friend siqi.

i guess sometimes, what really matters is how God looks at you, at our heart. it doesnt matter how ppl look at us, it doenst matter how confused i am because at the end of the day God is the one judging. sometimes i feel i try to please men, abit like venice, treading on fragile relations, switching alliances. i feel very pressurized. my father told me, i try to please ppl, please two or three at the same time, and end up when one needs me more but the second one comes, and i leave them out, they will be angry. but how do i change this? i cant not not please everybody. hmmm.

iif you ask me if there is anybody i hate or dislike. i cant think of any. one may just stare at me and say cannot one. but its true. maybe to you its really fake and sometimes i have to admit i will really get sstressed cos i dont like what that person is doing, but yet at the same time i am scared of the friendship at stake and i just keep quiet and follow. actually.....like....sometimes my actions can be seemingly bad or wrong or unreal as ppl put it that way, but i think nobody knows the internal struggle always within me. like, i try to do everything for ppl to the best i can, i may purely think that i wanna help them but sometimes it can be interpreted as being unreal and acting. hmmm..

i guess if many come to read this blog they wont understand, for the simple reason that i myself is quite confused. haha. and i thoght i was clear this time. but main thing is, yes my father says, every youth will be unreal in some aspects because we face national identity, who we are and all and many will come to think more of me because i just follow and follow . so they will think that i am four faced or even five faced. cos when ppl who dont drink lets say, passion fruit come together, i will also hate passion fruit. when ppl ask me to drink passion fruit i will love it too, a simple expression to quote but...it really reveals this feeling that i have uh. or an example to illustrate my point.

2011-06-23T20:57:00.002+08:00

this week started pretty slow for me and i keep seeing the clock tick second by second. but it marked a fast ending to the week. my compputer is so mad.. my hotmail got hacked by someone lol. i hope it was not cos im going to fall down when im walking down the aisle of the church hall hhaa. but anways i know He will protect me heh.

i knew last sunday i was going cry. but i just didnt...thought i would cry that badly..hmmph. really thankful for andrea siqi and jerome though. they are like, the bbest ppl in my life :)

now rushing through the testimony. i like it to be well-planed but i dont intend to write my personal encounter cos ..im not ready to share lol.

have to juggle between stuff is really hard. and my batt died today again. :(

but at least now i have 14 songs :)

2011-06-17T21:00:00.002+08:00

feeling really uncomfortable. like i wanna vomit again. yesterday vomited, but i didnt feel better like what ppl say. see i think yall wont know what im writing cos my mind right now isnt really working...

i dw to fall sick now. cos i wanna go to the mega games tomorrow badly. ok maybe not too badly actually haha.

made a grave mistake last sunday and i alr told Him tht it wont happen again.
guess sometimes the desires of the world can really take one away.

2011-06-14T14:35:00.001+08:00

hi i jus wanna say that i like you i like you i like you so much. You said that to me last week too . So whats happening now? Why are we not conversing as much? Why when i reply you at 9pm you only reply me at 3pm the next day. Am i not as important now...maybe what i really feared has happen now. Sian.

2011-06-09T19:33:00.002+08:00

okay okay now im feeling less frightened. jus now i was dam frightened lah then i called him but thought the better of it and then hung up cos i cant jus say hey im scared when i jus said i had no mood to talk about what happen earlier. actually i did not have the mood + my phone was gonna be confiscated soon so i didnt wanna type a short message to explain.

but today can be considered one scary day la. up till now still trying to know what actually is super 8 cos i seriously even after watching the movie i still dk lah.but i knw its scary but i didnt scream alot lor. okay maybe i did. but i seriously dw to sound like one of those bimbo girls who like to scream cos i am not. but why do i so easily am scared of stuff lol.hmmph. and the show was seriously scary. and i kinda think my friends cldnt stand me, oh well, cos i guess i was irritating them too much. hahhaa, eh but i was scared okay.

the reason i was scared latr on is cos ..ahya...i went to my neighbbour's house to play with my three and five year old and one year old neighbiur. but then got cat and dog. so while i was sitting with julius the one year old and hugging the three year old and talking to the five year, the cat stalked over. seriously it was dam scary and right awat i knew something would haappen lor. seriously. then the cat pounced up leh, tell me it is scary okay plus i am scared of cats. and dogs. so i screamed dam loudly. and then julius cried...shoots right..........

ugh i feel so guilty la...

and then the dog came okay. scared the cat away. b ut the cat keep following me until i cldnt take it, gave kira and sasha an excuse that i nid to do my homework now but then i rushed back to call ppl but i found it ..nothing so i hung up lor.

then i went to the bathroom to wash my face then i never see that the tap had a balloon tightly fastened arnd it so i was waiting for water to come up then i close my eyes of course but then after five seconds i opened my eyes and i found that the balloon is expanding. so i take out the ballon try to but end up it spilled at me everywhere.

wat did i do to deserve this :))

2011-06-07T12:49:00.000+08:00

yknow what, im feeling really crappy...what did i do? I dont even know what im thinking now. Do i or do i not. If i am, why is this feeling so uncomfortable, if i do not, why am i so afraid of losing him and why do i feel uncomfortable too. For me right, if i like the person i can like forever. But if that person likes me back, idk why i suddenly wont like him. Stupid me. What is wrong. I think thats because i take ppl for granted. And for three hours i have been waiting but i have not gotten any replies. This is really terrible. I wish he was here, but i also wish he is not here. .. What is like? Have everyone asked themselves this questions?? Does like necessarily mean thinking me the same person everyday? I dont think pm jok. Ugh. Please reply.

2011-06-03T20:53:00.002+08:00

hi blog, feeling very weird now. humph.

today, i jus cut my hair, or rather my fringe. haha. today was pretty...fun i guess, but im lonely. thinking of many stuff and this is one of the times when i never wanna think about stuff because it kinda makes me wanna puke?

so to release stress i actually played wii with my brothers. eh to be honest i did pretty well, killing some bad ppl and stuff. haha. but my brother complained that whenever they are fighting im jus standing around doing nothing then wen they kill finish then i go fight . haha, and because we move as a team, they always had to wait for me to jump and stuff. and i keep getting stuck. but apparently my brother doesn't shout as loudly at me then my brother. feel so..comforted haha. maybe i shod try going lan again, guess it will be fun! as fun as screaming with girls only at the favorite songs.

i also wanted to go jogging with syidah but i have terrible cramps in my leg so im going on monday instead. hope it doesn't rain and stuff.

watched n league this tuesday cos i went training and then i jus watched it during my break hah. my class did really well , and they are a funny team. its like when jarred blocked that anxious goal i tell you i suddenly thought he rocked. then after that he go tease me i think he don't rock at all, seriously. but i guess i wont hate him la...

now siqi go italy alr i feel really lonely. i think i am a clingy person. haah.

why do i feel like puking when i think about that?

and then today i went airport i felt..pretty lonely. yeah :((

i thought at first wei en would be my talking and laughing companion like before but apparently he was talking to janice alr so i guess i jus went around aimlessly.

but first things first, i am not going to get into a relationship , not in this age . i myself feel its not right, nothing to do with my parents. cos i think im not ready yet, but yet its so good to have someone you like , to like you back. cos what i want and need is reliability and protection now, not some fast thing that goes in a second.

but all the more, waiting for God's answer. i guess i haven been really conversing with God these few days, no wonder its like i don't feel close to Him anymore. better get back on track.

siqi and bernice will be my best friends forever :)

2011-06-01T19:11:00.002+08:00

Ok not thinking as much now.I guess without siqi my life sucks. Nut there is still Bernice hahah.. But I know I can't keep calling people it's not right uh.. But sometimes I really need to talk things out.. And as usual my brothers are fighting again. About fats. Stupid leh I really feel.. Most guys wanna build up muscles but my first brother wants to be fat and then tease my brother that he has a lot of muscles.. Its like every meal liddat even breakfast and exercising time...finally going to watch panda soon.. With class but I also think I may not be able to go.. And I also want how watch pirate of the caribean though idk what that us. I remember once Wen I really tried to watching horror show..dam not scary you know wy? Cos the whole time I close my eyes or covered my hands over my face ...

2011-05-31T19:11:00.002+08:00

Broke down two times in church last sunday.. Cos of my family..why do they quarrel so much?? Sigh..I was quite nervous for exams but it's over so soon..now ibwanna find ppl go watch kOng Fu panda with me.. But I also have many things on my head.. This is the first time I ever thOught about someone sO much...I wan to tell him how I feel but I scared he don't like me anymore.. But if we still like each Other then I am wondering hOw lOng it will last...what if befOre o levels he don't like me then how?? The best thing is nott to talk to him and try to get him outta my mind ASAP.

2011-05-20T19:25:00.000+08:00

" Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you eat and drink, or about the body, or what you wear. Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them still. Are you nt much more valuable then they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "
"But seek ye first the righteousness of the Lord and his righteousness and all things that you ask for will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itselF . Each day had enough troubke for its own."

So do nt worrt' for God shall bring u thru :)

2011-05-19T19:53:00.002+08:00

but i jus am a little puzzled about this character of mine. what is it in me that is lacking in terms of friendship compared to others? what do i lack? i dont care enough? is it my face shows that i dont care?

sigh.

2011-05-19T19:28:00.002+08:00

i feel that in this life alone, the number of challenges a person can face is alot. all helps you to grow to be more like Christ. the many happenings in our daily life can cause one to change until you dk who are you anymore, like take for certain my case. because many said i was smart, because many prasied me , i thought myself as the one who was great. my mind was filled with the stuff of the world, neglected God. i felt as if my whole life was revolving arnd the evil desires of life: jealousy, lust, wrath and etc. i wasnt living the Christlike way i had used to live in. no wonder i felt disgusted with myself when i started checking the mirror more times then i used to. really honest here, i had changed from a girl to a monster, and i didnt even know until my good friend chenhui told me, and im glad for this friend ah.

as i sat in changkat cc reminding myself of the real old me, talking to God that i needed him to change me back, i felt a pure calmness. that ive never felt before. even though i was actually crying on the bus, but when i sat at the empty spot where no one was there and jus cried out loud, i felt God's presence. after my previous encounter with prophecies which was now so far away, i had forgotten about God's care for me. i guess this was challenge for me to overcome.

yes, though im still breaking down over my own human weakness of not being able to comfort people, i felt anew by the spirit.

i know i have many human weaknesses, i really try hard to try and overcome the introverted thinking in my mind but i just cant and i really hope youll forgive me, but i realised that back to the starting point, i live for God, not for men, there's some things that God placed in me so that i can learn and ill try to work on the weaknesses i have.

to God be the glory.

2011-05-14T11:11:00.002+08:00

I am having this great inertia inside me lah, like idw to move and do my work anymore, jus wna relax. Its a serious thing lah, my chinese is like the usual again idk how to read and stuff and its jus round the corner omg really wanna cry. Everygthing is jus in shattered bits. I jus can't converse in mandarin like I used to, I can't write a proper sihan or gonggan and my baozhangbaodao sucks . My paper two I don't understand anything at all. I really wan an a1......

And I am so disappointed with my brother. Its like he became another person this few years jus that I don't see it. But yesterday I saw his scary side and I was likem, omg is this the brother tht I used to know. I don't recognise him anymore and neither is he...my brother. As in I'm gona treat him like mere aquaintance nt like last time...he really scared me. Saying all the f words and ugly words and his stare. Its like a gangster, make me really scared

How come I always cnt talk to qi one......
I can't balance my friendship well either. Thank God syidah came and help me out.

And the exams jus passed right. I really wanna thank God. Cos I felt that this exam was the exam where I really studiedm the first one where I also felt that it was nt me who did the paper bt God. Really no kidding.

Really.

And I still wanna find out who called me 9 times. Lol. Have been asking arnd but...no use.

Okay I fell better but abit still freaked out by my brother and woried for chinese like never before.

2011-05-14T10:42:00.000+08:00

I think I still..haven learnt my lesson yet...

2011-05-09T12:05:00.001+08:00

Family problems really suck.
And I feel useless for nt helping them.

And I'm kinda angry too.

2011-05-08T22:40:00.002+08:00

Okay its like I ve been becoming realy happy and sad cos of some stuff. Like I saw something tht made me entirely happy then I saw another thing that proves that my thinking was jus an illusion so I jus..felt sad. And its all cos of the media. Guess I will stop going twiter and blogging for awhile. I mean, internet to me is just a waste of my time knowing things I shldnt know.

Off tweeting soon, off blogging, off guys, voiding myself of any emotions coming along the way. Siqi thinks it won't work but I assure you this time. It will. Okay maybe not . Haha idk.

Funny pretty
Annoymous: vjc only for pretty girls, err you can go inside lah haha.

Fun pretty
Annoymous: omg I can't study with you. You too pretty until I cnt focus. Lol. That kinda sucks but quite..fun to hear it hahaha.

Scary pretty
Gangsters in mrt: looking you up and down, "hey pretty, can I have your number"

Omg, that's what I hate the most. Okay truthfully speaking I mean every girl wants attention and sometimes it can be nice for people to jus say you pretty or look at you in mrt stations or something. But if its a whole group I almost fainted. Too much haha.

Serious pretty
Annoymous: I think you are pretty, seriously, you have grown prettier each day I've seen you and in the years to come.....blahblah.

Not bad uh this kind. Hahahahha. Joking right.

Aunt pretty
Aunt in foresta: eh your daughter very pretty leh, blhablah.

This one nt bad to.

Hahahahahahahahahhaa. Jus wanted to say what hapen today. And yesterday. Lol. Nt trying to say anything or brag whatever, jus saying the typical singaporean style life now. Bet every girl experiences same thing as me though. Lol.

Thank you, lord.
To feel how being innocent is like again.
:)
I jus wanna blow bubbles, and be like a child. No problems with love, friends, studies.

2011-05-08T22:05:00.000+08:00

Acting blur huh.
First jan. Lol.
Hahahaha

2011-05-06T21:32:00.003+08:00

i want a boy who would hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. i want someone who would sing to me prepared with a guitar and at the void deck below my house.a boy that would throw stuff animals at me when im acting dumb.someone who would bet me kisses that he could win all the old playstation games and let me win. a guy that would make fun of me just to hear me laugh.play with my hair all the time and share lollipops with me.buying tons of disposable cameras to take the silliest pictures of each other and squirt water guns at each others house.but mostly, someone that would be my best friend and would never break my heart, someone to make me smile forever and never let me go

copyrighted from yeeying blog lol.

2011-05-06T21:01:00.001+08:00

feeling quite upset lol. i had 88 followers yesterday and now i only have 85. because i spammed twitter alot as i said yesterday. hope they dont hate me or whatever. its really scary yknow, to have someone really disliking you. omg.

dam scary.

thats why i shld keep things more to myself. oh well.
and sure im gonna think of a whole catastrophe of negative thoughts. 3 followers never follow me alr omg. what crap. never experience that before.
can be i spam too much
or cos they hate me talking to guys.
but eh whats wrong with the world nowadays man.
okay my kinda talking is innocently correct lor. okay if you flirt then maybe its wrong lah but i was teaching people how to do amath question is that wrong omg? then he tell me my name like teacher only and then of cos to give smart reply i say your picture like hardworking only what nth wrong right!!!
ugh/

i guess if only everyone did not like gossip, that would be fine.
sigh.

2011-05-05T21:33:00.002+08:00

Cnt believe I'm actually watching arsenal vs tottenham with my brothers omg. Cnt believe it. And I just tweeted more then ever. And tomorrow is hisoty and amath. And I'm slacking like nobody's business.

Okay positve thinking xiaoen, I jus nidda relax abit
Cos God does the rest

Actually I feel prepared alr. Ok maybe not. Conflicting. Bt I did study, but I dw study too much or else will get more stressed.

Talking bout english con earlier lol on second thoughts hanging out with them is like them teasing me and jus repeat it ten over times.

2011-05-04T21:37:00.001+08:00

Bernice got a new brother ahahahah. And his name is aaron.

Hahahaa, lol reminds me of hanging out with the english con last time having so much fun..

2011-05-03T18:56:00.002+08:00

Bleah what is wrong with me.

Wondering whther a class chalet is better, or prom.

Sec 4 prom is like once in a lifetime, but having the whole class bond together is good too.

And ...sigh.

I mean now that you and I are both friends again, I really wonder whther at that point of time did you really wanna hijack that plane to write my special name? Were you really that...woW? Like, you said that after o's you would go all out for me, don't worry I heard that from somewhere so maybe it wasn't true. But I gues al this are jus empty pacts you made, but no worries I am not angry or whatever, just happy to have a good friend back again.

And I really think that nowadays guys are so not romantic. 'Iloveyou' also must say so quickly. Do things super unromantic hahahaha. Cmon jus take the initiative lah please.

Just saying though lol.

Bleah, why am I talking about this wen exam is jus arnd the corner

But I now feel quite empty lah and lonely, I wonder when people are willing to talk to me again lol...

Yesterday went to interblahblah hotel for mother's day, and did we jus meet last sat for monthly family gathering. Yesterday was the day I screwed it up. I went to the guys toilet hahahha. Never not first time so nt too freaked out but still quite freaked out. Worst thing was the guy looked at me then still turn arnd omg worse right lol. Then I also asked this handsome korean waiter his age and whether he had a gf. Nt my problem lor, they ask me one haha.

And I totally ..lol. one whole week I forgot to give my teacher parents letter for why I didn't go school that Monday. Then now I almost owed mrs chia mc value lunch and sweekee crackers.
Hahahaha

Hope I can talk to qi soon, last Sunday talked for three hours, more shiok then the tomyam we ate today. I mean every Tuesday hahaha.

2011-05-01T19:43:00.000+08:00

sigh, hard as it is to try to forget it, it always appears as the top priority in our life, isnt it?

2011-05-01T19:37:00.000+08:00

maybe..just maybe a jog at the usual place wld do me some good.
morning fresh air.

so afraid, of change.

2011-05-01T17:27:00.000+08:00

Irritated and angry with my voice. Wish I took more of my grandma's genes. Wished I had train more. Now have time but no skills no talent at all

Bleah

2011-04-30T22:44:00.001+08:00

Family gathering. I always love it.

Worried, but I know that God is gna provide me all the way :))

Praise be to Him:))

2011-04-29T20:24:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder why life is so hard.

i didnt want to have any conflict in the first place, but yet i have more than others.

GG.COM.

2011-04-29T14:12:00.002+08:00

Yknow what, I jus wanna see you post on twitter. Once again, please man, give me this hint.
Earnestly,
Xiaoen.

:)

2011-04-25T12:11:00.001+08:00

Yay, I'm sick again .

Whoo.

Actually nt really sick, having a swollen eye? And a bad stomachache. So I didn't go school today.
Seriously exams are coming soon and I'm so scared I can't cope.

2011-04-22T22:13:00.002+08:00

and you know what hahahhahaa. anybody knows who keri jobe is lol. seriously, some ppl think i sing like her(sonot true!) hahahhaa, it all started wen kari jobe was singing no sweeter name then i sing along then i was like how come i like never sing liddat then i realised it actually sounded the same. but i think i heard wrongly. then my father say abit, my mother say not at all.s he says my singin makes her shiver.

hahahahhahahahaha.

2011-04-22T21:22:00.002+08:00

today is good friday.. the day wher jesus died on the cross for us. why us? because GOD SENT HIS ONY BEGOTTEN SON to come to earth to save us from our sins. come on.why don yall get it??? very hard to explain . if only one can personally realize what God did in your life, im sure your life will take a different turning. and i guess, one really really need a personal encounter in your life to find that You are the true one after all. pity life is short and we as christians do not have enough zeal for Christ. who did everything. omg. how guilty am i...

for the non-believers, it is a new thing for them to learn. to learn the real meaning of why jesus died and why this event is of such great importance in our life.for the believers, it is another new day where we can renew our personal relationship with God and remember what God have done and humble ourselves before him.

and i..have just beem guilty. of this above. not only have i not refect on this, but i sinned more greatly per normal against Him than usual. and i know pms is not a good excuse to brush all of this moods . actually nothing happen, just that i wass feeing realy uncomfortable so i had to drink alot of water. then my shoes were causing uncomfortability aain. thats why i hate shoes . my mum asked us to run arnd isetan to sort play a game and i kinda, shouted at her, i wwas feeling very uncomfortable and plus my pms i really felt like..smacking someone. i was kinda telling rubin this cos he didnt come to church today and he was supposed to bring the photos...so i scolded him. lol whoops. then after that i said im sorry cos i having pms and then yeah lor...now feeling better. yeap.

2011-04-19T21:17:00.002+08:00

Okay, i feel that I may kinda like you back? Idk. You nid to give me time to think yknow. Seriously I liked you and you didn't give me any hints, okay maybe you did but I nid a strong hint like using your free time to talk to me once or twice but that's it..I know you did that before but I'm not satisfied. Then you leave me hanginh like that and idk what to think man. Cmon I'm a girl whose very stupid I'm sure you knew that. And I keep thinking you don't like me that's why I tried to give up. And after that I thought I cld make friends with you but who knows you go all emo and not being the person I used to know. And I suddenly wonder whether its all cos of me . Cos last time you used twitter everyday and idk why now everything is whatever. I'm very confused. Can you please help me out? Siqi keeps telling me that she thinks the scenario is like this. Idk whther you like me and I didn't take a step. And you yourself was shy and underconfident. That's why you didn't think I will like you. But I'm really puzzled. Do you really like me or what????

2011-04-15T20:45:00.003+08:00

feeling better than the last two days, maybe because sweekee keep singing the song friday friday !! hahahaha, and thanks to them who cheered me up. they really did help, thanks so much!!! however, still suffering from great stress. like once i dk whats prepaid insurance revenue and will it increase or decrease net profit than i feel like crying and kicking or punching something. yknow all those movies or actually one where i watch got this girl she have this special room for punching the box..wah i also wan something liddat to destress lor, than i no nid so stressed. and i also quite worried for my mum cos she just got a shoulder pull while swimming and it might be syntoms of stroke or heart problem but my dad says its just stress. really praying for her.

cast all our cares and worries to God, for He planned your life, and who by worrying adds a single hour to your life? for God takes care of all of us, us included.

this week alone, i had many epic stories. okay maybe not really that epic but this week i remembered mostly what i done..okay actually i think i forgot alot but i still remember some..maybe?

story 1)

idk what i was doing but it was a typical good morning mr lee kinda thing. but before that we weere waiting for some ppl to come back to class lah. so while mr lee talked we talked. then he got a bit angry. then i also was talking to yanling, then she asked me something then i had no dont ask me and then i raised up both my hands and showed the twist sign or something idk how to say!! but anyways i did this twist thing and then idk also why i did it for so long but anyways i was in a daze when i saw mr lee looking at me weirdly and everyone okay not everyone most saw his facial expression and turned to look at me in that pose and laughed. omg, so not funny. but i imagine the pose and i started laughing. ahhaha. but i guess now its not that funny anynore

story 2)the insect day

as i was just telling sweekkee, i had another bad insect day lol. when we stepped out of the carpark to my house there were alot of dead cockroaches. alot alot alot. and me and my mum screamed lah. it was really scary. im not like one of the girls who scream very loudly though, i scream inside my heart but sometimes i let out cos cant control. so it took alot of effort jumping over the cockroaches and eewing quietlly and we finally reached the lift there. and i felt so glad to keep away from the cockroaches that i went to press the lift button. wah lucky my eyes quite sharp lor, just 1 second before i touched i saw this huge thing stationed at the button and i screamed and freaked out at this one. i think im a scary cat but ..ohwells. then very scary lah then i realised that it was a huge dragonfly haha. so no one dared to press the dragonfly ...so we walked up to first floorr. hhahaa, seriously i rather go up then touch that, its a nono for me..

then we went up.i quickly check that the lift button got no dragonfly or whatsoever. phew, no have. so i happily went in and my mum my 2nd brother and then my first. then i saw this huge moth flying around in the lift and i screamed so loudly and pushed back until i kinda pushedd my 1st brother outta lift and the lift closed with his leg stuck between the lift. and then the moth took this opportunity to scare me further by swerving his suave body near me. then we tried opening the lift but it couldnt idk why, maybe cos of my screaming and worse it could not go up cos of my brother;s leg.. so end up my brother had to move real slowly and try to use his hands press the outside lift button so that it could open. that was one scary moment, other than thunder.

story 3)
yknow why i hate presentation. cos of this, and cos im a introvert. but idk why the whole class keep shouting xiaoen xiaoen? ! cos i have a soft voice and again stressedly i am an introvert!! so i went up and then i talked lah./ then the whole class started laughing. and i suddenly realised that i keep swaying and dancing when i talk. i couldnt control. it was as if when i stop talking i stop dancing, and when i start talking evryone started laughing cos i was swaying and touching my skirt and all. seriously, i was very nervous thats why .but i think it has someting to do with me dancing always around the house hahahhaa. and when i was young. and i just feel like everytimee got music i love to dance. when nobody sees. and like the marikita song, i always cannot control myself i start to move abit hahahaa. aw man. what is this. and some ppl know i very easily cry so always every single little thing i cry one. so there and then i could feel the tears. okay its not that i wanna cry but its just that my eyes are watery always. whenim perfectly fine they think im crying. when i yawn tears come down. and if you ask me to cry i can just cry liddat without reason haha, thats how easy my tears come out. and if you ask me too personal a question like how's studies i may cry, but i will try not to lah. yeah, but luckily i controllled then rasyidah also asked everyone not to laugh i think she sensed something. but i think everyone saw my tears alr. lol.

story 4)
and this is why i suck at chinese oral/
having kicked a chinese oral cher once i always have a bad memory. and omg its the same teacher testing me omg omg !! so she gave me the knowing look. but guess what she this time she put two tables infront of me so i had no chance to kick her. maybe she did that on purpose. hhaa, nah lah. but i uttered crap, like usual. i thought i improved leh, after going tuition. its like at the point of time i kinda forgot what to say and i said rubbish, but after that i sudenly rememebered all i wanted to say haha. too bad for me. but during then she wasnt looking at me while i was doing my oral but she was noticing my fingers, cos they were moving in circles. sounds like she was more amused with my fingers then my face and sppeech. i think i also scared her with my movement.hand movement to be exact. aw man, sucks sia. then before me there was this guy the teacher commented really harshly on him i think i think she say must read more blahblah. so i felt that my speech was really bad so when she said okay i just sit down there waiting for her to comment. (that was retarded alr) and then when i didnt go she looked at me as though i was crazy and she asked me what i was doing here, and i used english to say"arent you gonna talk to me something else or comment" and i saw displeasure in her eyes hahahhaa and she said no and i just said ..oh. omg omg omg. embarrassing.

actually i still have more but i am really tired alr,i guess i will end her for now.

taileile.
zhende

after all the three year's , im still really confused about these feelings ...idk what happen to you now but i hope its not cos of me that made you..because im not worth it.

but why do i have this strong feeling..

confused 0.0

must consult siqi. but she is unwell again. her eye has gone ten times smalled quoted from herself and she didnt go school for a week and two days. i felt my eye growing smaller too buti guess its growing back. bigger than yesterdy, finally.

even siqi thinks the same way as me.

because i remember i told God, that it was pain having to like him for three years and ahhhh. no cant reveal too much for now.
i dont even know i like
and i think im rambling again

2011-04-12T21:32:00.001+08:00

Omg finally my ss and history seq test is Over!!! However, idk is it just my oversensitivity or what, I feel older uglier and less nicer. Someone please help me please :(

2011-04-08T20:47:00.002+08:00

this week, noo today in fact has made me really worried, stress, sad, happy like nothing and angry. can you imagine all emotions occuring in a day? hard to think of. usually if you got your results and it would be good, and you treat your friends, carry a huge like smile and so the day goes on.

but i have thus became neutralised after the many emotions. occuring in a day but at different times.

worried, because qi has not been answering my calls and smses seriously. yeah she told me she was busy and yesterday i had this scary dream of her...i really wonder what happen because...im scared and worried. seriously. worried for my o levels. not as calm and confident as before. this actually has two emotions, sad very and worried super much la. all my subjects are weak. what bout me having just pass for chem, even the math that i have always leaned my support on is failing me>! i cant do anything, i feel like im this stupid person who is never gonna grow up. i wonder if im going to be like this mother in the newspaper , where she hung her baby like a clothes peg so that warmth helps the baby. i really am not as intelligent, though i want to. everyone's so pressurizing. my coach wants me to get 9 points to go dsa through njc, i cant!!!my parents see my results tell me say what i have the potential but in my mind i know absoloutely nothing!!ugh.and when i scored 20/40 i was alr feeling depressed my father scolded me like nth, saying i was distracted or something. and said alot of hurtful stuff lah. but i guess the hurts work abit on me.

stressed because of studies and other stuff. dont wanna talk about it further. but i really hate conflict. and note that i am only a human, human makes errors, and humans can only have one heart. and this one heart cant be divided into so many parts , because a heart must be fully given to one that they truly like, so stop the pressure thanks alot.

sad, because as i mentioned earlier, i suddenly am failing e math and a math like crazy. seriously. and this is the first time i almost broke down in front of my peers during the paper. my mind was seriously not thinking, i felt very lousy lah. like why , why i cannot do at all?? but then i went to toilet and did it lah so that not so obvious. sad also because this is my last training. start of o level revision. feeling very...old suddently. like no more playtime, girl its just digging into the books and swallowing all the info .

but on a lighter note, tgif,im happy because my grandma and grandpa comes every friday, i love them so much cos they never fail to make my sad week happy again.because every friday is grandma dressing up my hair day, and i will always let her mess ard with my hair. experimenting with my hair gives her the joy and makes me pretty too. nah joking, as if i was. hahaha. and then it will salways be the singing of hokkien songs, super fun, and after that our conversations in hokkien broken though is super amusing because today i forgot what was tie plaits for me. its you zha kui or something, then i said ju kueh. and she look dosgusted for a moment cos i think she thought i wanted my hair to be tied like jukueh. omg. hahahha. grandma. tsk.

and i had a full meal

but im quite angry . but i shall not say lah. yeah

strange kind of feeling, of whether there is really a spark or is it just my imagination. omg.

2011-04-06T17:04:00.002+08:00

Moving in circles now.

What is ones motivation for serving? Yet to grasp that fact.

A failed convo between me and serene:
Me: nice pimple
Serene: you are too much
Me: hey I was meaning it the right way

And I was really saying that pimple was nice lor, I wasn't criticising her or laughing at her please! But I didn't know how to phrase it so I went

Me: nonono I didn't mean it that that way. I was just saying you know you shld jave multicolours on your face it does look nice yknow. Like youu have black hair why does everyone wana put a green rubber band instead of black…cos its so boring..
Serene loks very shocked and confused
Serene: multicolored?
Cnt remember what I really said after that though hahaha. But I didn't mean to say that. And I guess this convo was stupid ..the words I say are really retarded omg..

Must get the song lyrics for hero heroine soon. Yay!

And talking about yesterday, I didn't mean to say yeeying was sexy. Okay yes when she walk is really sexy lah hahahaha but now the whole class knows because of my extroverted friends who shouted xiaoen thinks yeeying is sexy in every hour.

Oh man, and I don't think I can call qi tomorrow because guess what? History SEQ on mon and ss SEQ on Tuesday, can die. But I think I'm quite fortunate, pity the ones having syf soon man.

When I said that you can go, I actually meant the opposite. But I guess guys will always be guys huh hhaaha:))

2011-04-01T21:20:00.002+08:00

waaah, today although its a short day it was superbbly fun lah!!!omg its like though we end at 1230, we had alot of fun cos it was..is..april fool's day omg omg omg.

it was fun because our class worked very well together to prank the teachers, but it kinda failed lol rigtht, cos at first our class and 4r1 supposed to change classes so that cher walk in then abit blur. and it after pe, so yea. btw pe was dam embarrassing please. i feel that this pail of tomatoes just squashed on my face lah/. because rights, we were supposed to play this beasball thing, and then there was this small ball..on a big cone. so who in the right mind would try and hit the small ball?! but anways that waas the rule. awww. okay so some could hit the ball, some hit the cone. yea. so when it was my turn i didnt wna make any mistakes for once. so i aimed really carefully. and guess what? i missed the entire thing and swung 360 degrees . then i was a little dizzy so of course yknow the next ball i didnt hit lah, i hit the cone instead lor. what a waste of my skill man.

IM JOKING LAH, HAPPY APRILS FOOL.

so after that we went to 4r1 classroom instead of 4r3 lah. then mrs pong(4r1's a math cher) came in and she was quite blur. possible thoughts of hers might be..1)she might have gone into the wrong class 2)she thought she had came to relief our class 3)she was shocked. hahaha, so we greeted her with the loudest greet ever. but 4r1's plan of shocking mrs chia was spoiled when she walked by 4r1 class(where we were in) and our door was open because mrs pong opened it, so she saw us and she was shocked. ttm, then she started laughing. sadded lah our plan fail. then for english teacher we turned our tables and chairs back to face the back of the classroom. then we locked the front door, the eng teacher was shocked lol.

and many other funny things lol. oh but it was not that fun when jarod and wes played a prank on me. dk whats it with them and them thinking of pranking me with insects all the time lah. jarod is like some superstar so maybe he knows what we are thinking lol. i mean, i cant believe many are still fantasizing over jarod man., it was two years ago before he won the campus superstar. Q!!!but i guess its quite lucky to have him in our class because he can help us get the signatures of stars like daiyangtian lah please. so, must appreciate it. but seriously, today was ..hahha. cos wes asked me to come there so i went and he put this thing on me and i didnt know what was it then they were laughing and then syidah suddenly screamed because she thought that thing on my shoulder was moving but it was the wind but it was fake and i screamed and everybody screamed. nice try jarod. i wonder who told the secret that i was afraid of insects man,.,

planning something up my sleeve though. just watch and see.

today[s training was quite tough though. must talk to qi soon, but ohwell she's having tuition and talking of her, hows can she have no school today this is sooo annoying.!!!

we were best friends then
closer then anyone ive been for awhile
we shared all the things together
no one knew that the most dreadful thing happened

because
you left me hanging there and waiting for your daily call
you left me holding on to the friendship that was not lasting
you left me stranded on the strands of your hair
and i miss you now

i miss you

the times where you laughed at my silliness
all the moments we share
please dont tell me you dont have a clue
because i am really hurting inside

cos why why did our friendship come to this
how how did it end??
im sorry for the way that i treated you before
but it looks like you are not willing to forgive me

i miss you

oh the times when we talked about the crushes we had
the times so unforgettable so vague now

okay this is just something i thought in mind nth much dont look too much into this.

thanks wes for the sweets to cheer me up. i guess he's the one who could pass the exam of trust.

confused though. its like..okay nvm i dk how to say..hahahaa.

2011-03-28T20:52:00.001+08:00

I will never get close to any other guy again.

Why do I always never fail nt to learn my lesson, why why why..

This will be my post for today, will talk more tomorrow then.
Sigh.

2011-03-26T12:34:00.002+08:00

Because I realised that all this while, winnie the pooh, you have been my one true love. Heh

But anways, I bought a lot of winnie the pooh stuff, like winnie the pooh dress, winnie the pooh rubber band. Yay :)

Only at your worst moment will you really know who is the one who really loves you, who really wants to take care of you forever. :)

2011-03-25T13:19:00.001+08:00

Going for prayer meeting tonight . :)

Your imperfection just means you needa depend more on God :)

2011-03-24T18:50:00.002+08:00

Must try and find song title for swear it all. Meanwhile chorus goes like this :

I never wanna treat you bad
Cos I never wanna see you sad
And I
and I never wanna say goodbye,
Cos I never wanna see you cry
Pfft. Kinda forgot the lyrics again. What is this.

This is the times wjher I fortunately have my motorola blur phone with me and I can use wifi.

if I got down on my knees and I pleaded with you
If I crossed a million oceans jus to be with you
Would you ever, ever let me down
If I climbed the highest mountain just to hold you tight
If I walked dadadadadadadada
Would you ever ever let me down

And why do I keep forgetting lyrics

Okay I'm kinda feeling lonely now cos siqi go concert today can't talk. And the others are not replying me. Hmmph.
Thank God today no school so I cld finish up all my homework and my neighbour babies could come in and relive me .

Can't believe I'm actually waiting for many things. For o levels chi esp to be over esp esp esp. I always looked forward to Sunday until now. Cos the chinese tuition is causing me a lot of phobia. And I finally chose an outfit for usher. Turned out to be nth that I bought from hk. Lol. And I am waiting for the chalet the bbq on the 24apr. Its at some changi aloha thing and I wanna so go to the arcade and the beach. Too bad I never go that beach before.

And I hope I have enough time on Sunday before tuition to...whack it out!

2011-03-23T21:54:00.002+08:00

okay i jus saw this post that really made me really angry, i as a friend was kinda worried for you and this is what you said? i mean what?! and after so many days of talking with you i really really...:@

nvm wait for tomorrow wher i can talk to siqi.

sadded:@

2011-03-23T21:00:00.002+08:00

ugh, why do i always have mixed emotions heh. feels so weird to ramble on a wednesday. but its cool man, cos like mon tues thurs i jus ramble to siqi while she does it to me then on fri i ramble to the com. im quite..happy lah, because my buddies finally reply me after many many days. imagine waiting for this email to come. i was really scared that something might have happen to them lor seriously.

but on the other hand, feeling quite..negative again. just like my mbti profile test, when under great stress will think of a whole castrophe of negative possibilities . i guess many things cant always, i repeat now in capital , ALWAYS ALWAYS , go my way. how foolish was i to think that once you are my friend you would stay that way, but my crap no that didnt happen. and just cos of this stupid rumour that you guys believe then spreead spread spread then whatever blahblah. although i dont know you well at all, but i cant believe you jus spread to your friend and everything becomes messy and hostile. i am just seriously praying that my real close friends will not be deterred by those awful remarks. frankly speaking i didnt even steal anything from you, not his heart. im not even the one he likes come on, im just a close friend of his. must i drill that into your brain......

and another thing i have yet to maintain besides..uhnm

friends.

i guess making alot of friends is good but sometimes we needa to show ppl who is our good friend. idk what im saying lah. like jus imagine again two friends from both sides of the world coming up to you. who would you choose? how? impossible to satisfy both, yet i wan both friendships to maintain.

this week is pretty slow, ;ike something big is gna happen. that is not really good for me. i think its that tuition that i attended last week or maybe the one i was rambling about above.

and .. hahaha, on a much lighter note, hi jerome hdSUILdvbladukfgvusbgvlsuvbafudculdcfadcasdbcflacdcdscbaldfdc see im rambling about you now!! those aare codes by the way, hinthint its bad stuff.

hahhaaa, feeling happier after talking to ppl who still love me the same. i keep remembering the fun things me and siqi do together. talking on the phone.

xiaoen and siqi talks for a few minutes
siqi: ok when my sister comes i press off you know what happens again!
xiaoen: hahahahah
sister: SIQI!!!!
siqi: 2 more minutes!!!
xiaoen keeps laughing oh well.
sister: NO.
siqi and xiaoen: awwwww/

siqi and xiaoen puts down the phone.

after a few minutes . a number:witheld
xiaoen: hi siqi, your sister went to shower
siqi: hahahahahaha eh how yknow.

the good things about best friends is that we can finish each others sentence, know wht each other is thinking. and the best things are that she doesnt really like the guy that i crush(only) on, and i dont really find the guy that she crush on crushable for my kind. so its kinda cool. wow. hahaha. and like i really wanna go to her house to do crazy stuff like singing stuff loud or swinging and pillow fighting. hahaha. or go and take neoprints like the old times.ohoh, i cant really remember stuff this week like what we said. but actually jus rambling to siqi about...some stuff lah.

but i remembe rthis one
where we were kinda fighting which was left and right

xiaoen: eh!!on sunday we wear the watch then i sit on the left side of me you sit on my right then we can have two watches talking and sitting next to each other!
siqi: what left right thing. i htought i was supposed to be left. or

okay nevermind i cant really remember the whole convo but all i remember was watches and together ness yaya yayayayayyyya!!!

with love comes faith.

2011-03-14T12:42:00.002+08:00

in the lounge in hongkong now, gna miss this whole place so so much, though i really miss singapore too. however pushy and squeezy this place is, its wonderful and magical. hahaha. especially the hongknong disneyland fireworks. it was the most amazing fireworks i have ever seem and i wanna see them again,my dream. lol. but it was kinda hard to try clothes because there was no fitting room, some shops only when you pay above 100 then can use, and even if use the room is so so small like a chair size its practically me and i cant move at all ahhaa. actually bought a few dresses for my ushering duties. but now as always as my personality i am now worrying about people's comments on my dressing changing anhd styuff. but during the bus rides God kinda reminded me that i was doing everything for him. to please him and not to please men in general. hjaha, like even though i wear nice its for God alone to see, so that kinda calmed me down. will tell more later. asap!

2011-03-11T12:41:00.003+08:00

wow feeling happy bacuse im going hongkong alr omg!! feels like a long time since i have ever had a break. and thanks God for the results i have cos its all God's honor and glory. feeling pressurized though. but i now know that God has been thru with me everything like always and he wont leave me to die in o levels. instead he will as always continue to guide me and stff. yay!

also umust learn more humility.sometimes we takes god's blessing for granted and we become proud and think its ourselves that think of blahblah blahh formula and so we write down and so we score. but no, wrong. God helped us/

another thing of regret is that i cant bleieve that pastor wong is leaving this week and i have no chance to say goodbte at al. i wanted to give him a letter that i was going to write but i realised that its too late but nevermind i think that i will arange a session with him and give him!

bonvoyage everyone who's leaving singapore!

2011-03-05T15:24:00.002+08:00

this week happened too quickly, way too quickly, have so many things that come into my brain all at once and idk where to start. okay why idk where to start is because i have not really been talking much, but later then yall will know why.

i have been sick for quite a few days, i think nearly being a week. on tuesday i din go to school as some know, because i have alot of illnesses. vomiting, fever, cough, sorethroat, running nose, backache headache and many other aches. the aches were the worst because it made me feel really uncomfortable. its like i put my weight on one foot, ache, i walk, ache, i talk, ache. i sleep and move arnd, ache. my head was continuously dizzy after every spin of headache. it was the worst discomfort i have ever felt since i last was such ill. i was very weak also, stand up only feel like falling. haa. now still feel like lah, but its okay, stronger now. then wednesday i felt much better except for this freaking sharp pain in my throat. its not any normal kinda pain, its like sharp sharp poky squishty one one like kinda pain. everytime i move , pain. the worse was not the pain. the worse is not being able to talk. as in i could not talk, eat sleep and i could not concentrate on stuff. it was terrible. so i cant really talk, all my feelings are being kept inside, and i was pmsing . now trying to express and get everything out. yknow cos my emotions were so inside and cos i couldnt express it without talking, i was practically angry for the whole week. it was basically a whole week of acceptance . everything they say i must do cos i cant say no. sometimes i really wanna sayy nno, but i cant. it was quite tough not having a voice. and im really sorry for being angry and jus not saying anything to everyone. have to now let go of all my emotions by writing. but its all so freaking hard, and sometimes i really feel like crying cos i feel heavy and cos i feel there's alot of things and stuff inside me which i really wanna say but i jus cant. now i cant talk also, hard but curing. idk why, nowadays, feel like jus letting my tears spill(i only do that in the night), and punching and kicking the chairs,.it feels teriible really. for one who wants to say something buut cant. the feeling is terrible. sucks like shit. eFN;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;NJVB AhjDFBJAevGFUILecK Jfbczkjcb hadbfaerzbgfkjadbzvkbazdhbzcsayuiegbdfuildgbcvlaeuvkl;sdficujaeblgfqevheargfttttttttthr5rughfuihwowuifjwuirfhuwerhjgseruighweruighwop. okay sorry i feel much better now after pressing violently on the keyboard, really sucks to not talk and keep everything to myself. anways, today just finished the trialethon from milo. feeling a satisfaction ive never felt before and i am really glad i went for it. it was scary though, hahaa

2011-02-25T20:34:00.003+08:00

study study study. guess this is my main priority for now. no bgr, no whatever. now kinda very void of emotions so now dont really like or have a crush on anyone.what siqi said is true,start as friends first, then slowly become into a relationship. i guess this always work. it wont work out if two ppl who like each other want to get into a relationship but dk each other well.

2011-02-18T20:38:00.002+08:00

busy with many things and oso cos no phone alr so i did not post for quite some time. i think im weird man, seriously, one moment i can be super happy bt another moment i am jus super quiet. omg, whats wrong with me?
jus did the ss ct today. thank God for time and my hardworkingness to pipe up last minute and study for ss. also wna thank Him for all my previous test. gotta work on binomial and trig cos its gna come out soon and i missed those lessons. ahhh, so strressed until i eat more and more then get more fat. shoots nidda cut down alr, but everytime wna go running with syidah always got rain one lol. haiya but also quite fun playing monopoly deal with friends, though the game is not fun haha,. just llike a day of fun wher we can finally rest and enjoy again.

yknow, in my heart i always wanted a really know me kinda of friend /boyfriend. when im feeling sad he knows and tries to comfort me. when i have problems my friend will jus know and call me. when i feel like talking they would immediately stop and hear what i have to say. when i want him to turn his head so i can further take a glance at him, he really turns. but sadly up till now i dont have this kinda friend. then it dawned upon me that my real true friend is only God. you cant trust anyone else with secrets but him. sigh.feel sad that no such person exist, only God does.

and suddenly jus like that i dont feel so innocent, childlike anymore. issit that im becoming meaner or what. i dont think so, i dont criticise people nowadays nor do i badmouth, but there is jus this heavy burdern on my shoudler which makes me do not feel light. and frankly speaking i hate it. maybe its cos i know mroe stuff? nope i dont think so. the knowledge of chem and everything doesnt make me not innocent anymore. and innocent doesnt mean nt knowing alot about sex or something, its jus..undefinable. i jus dont feel ..good anymore. like i feel very mean. ohman. who am i now, idk at all....

2011-02-08T21:08:00.002+08:00

And unfortunately in the midst of happiness, trouble sees and hears andd now knocks on my door. Nt gna tell siqi my prob cos its all crushing dwn to the fact of my oversensitivity and besides, she oso has lots to deal with now, esp as she's frm rgs. Hmmph. What makes tabletennis a complex sport is nt by how much you exercise, nt by whther u win anot, but wher not really many ppl know, one has to deal with a lot of cycology, trust me, it sucks. Dk why my coach ask me play at all lor. Seriously didn't he alr see my performance during cch? What else is he trying to do? And now singles? Hmmph, really hope I won't fail his expectations. I cnt bear to let go the seessions go to waste. Really wish there's more time now to pract, and I am, to be honest, freaking nervous.

And I thought by doing studies, it helps. What I know is, all of the homework I am unsure, for sciences, and tht is horrible. Guess I complain too much huh? Okay, I shall nt complain any futher. Jus pretty scared for o's. Its so far away, yet I can feel it coming soon.

Jus wish things cld be less complicated.

Okay xiaoen, start talking mandarin now, or you ll nvr improve and reach the target u set for yourself.

On a second thought, I feel better. Hmmph, maybe talking to siqi wld help more. And sorry for ignoring some ppl msg I will reply soon, jus let me cool dwn abit.

P.s cos if u keep me hanging on here forever, I will have to set myself free and let myself go.

2011-02-05T21:12:00.002+08:00

its another long day wow' still had tuition which seemed dam long cos i wanted to go bck to see kirby and kate. fyi' kirby and kkate are teacher pauline's chilren. twins' one boy and one girl. and fyi, teacher pauline was my piano teacher and oso mummy's student. thy are really cute, and they never fail to make me lose all my fears and thoughts and everything again. bravo.

however, like smoking, it comes bck to you again. i think i am really immature lah. hmmph. like, i feel tht ppl know everything yet i dont even know anything. look, a girl who only really knows what is the real meaning of sex only at sec 1 must be a retard. whenever i watch drama series i wld always rmbr praying for tht girl who jus went onto bed with the guy nt to have an actual baby. yes, some might laugh at my stupidity, my mere stupidity but i dont think its funny. who thought tht sex was so complex? i at sec 1 still thought tht by being near boys on bed means you have high chance of having a baby, thts why i always have phobia. hm. seriously. thats why i have been shunning all of them away. scared of them . haha, i think im crazy, but i really get scared. anw, i think i have to marry someone younger my age, so tht at least my eq is on par with him. oh please, i dont drink like those above 20's do, i cnt even paint my fingernails. i cnt even do this do that, i dont even do fun stuff or do really cool stuff. one factor cos im so protected. i feel that the world is falling over my head once a slight problem comes, why? everybody faces problems, yet i feel mine are the worse, hmmph. and i cnt drink alcohol forever, ppl like chenhui alr drinking, bt me? i smell tht alcohol thing i alr cnt take the smell. bt i really wna try it lor. somemore i thinkk he does drink, ohwell.

i must jus try to nt like anybody so tht my whole life wont be so screwed.

2011-02-04T18:12:00.002+08:00

Having karoke now. Think I really suck at singing man. Lol, anw I went joan hse first. Din know so many ppl came too. Got uncle bengchye family, yuxuan's family, uncle kinchin family and a lot of others. Had a fun time talking and reviving memories. Hm, nt caring bout everything now. Jus read joseph's notes on the serves programme in the morning and feeling refreshed bout it. I even practice my sppech in front of God lor, quite cool. Though some parts I really don't understand.

2011-02-01T18:26:00.002+08:00

Feeling so..tired now lah. Its like I jus came home but yet I have to go out again, and I jus completed 4 tests today. Worse, I didn't study, lol. I thought talking to siqi wld be more fun? Hahahah, no, I totally forgot bout it. When I got home I immediately went to focus on my further trig cos I thought today was jus another day to slog my guts out to work again, haha. And then I watched prosperity, and then siqi called me then I talked to her until arnd midnight? Then I felt tired, so I slept lor. Then in the morning opened my inbox, saw 10 msg then scroll for sofia's msg then see the shocking news. Lol nt to say tht it was easy, but for a person who did nt study for anything the paper at least it didn't seem like another language to me. And then today me and huixin were called up by mr fong, haiyo, to go up stage to present our results. Lol, super embarrassing lah. Firstly my nose was having problem so I clnt breathe so jus imagine a person going up stage and having asthma like while talking. Then so I talked very soft, and then everyone said it was sofrt. And I even said media boys can I have MY slides please. I mean, who says that?!

Ohwell, just another experience I guess. Anyways today mr lai dam funny. Anw the joke super funny kept me laughing and thinking about it for 3 hours. Hahahahha. His daughter came with the I whatever, I think is I phone, and then came rushing to him saying papa can help me buy the bakery game. Then he jus helped her. Then she play very happily. Then after tht ytd he was shiting in toilet he suddenly got the msg saying congratulations u have to pay 99 us dollars for buyinh a basket of strawberries. And then super funny he went out of the toilet without his pants.

Very funny right, I jus told my brother and I laughed instead of him. Hahahahaha.

Valentines day is coming, wondering whther it will be a memorable one:) nah don't think so. I just donwan somebody to help me unnecessarily attract attention for me. No shouting no nth, kay:)

Roses and violets
I prefer violets
You and him
I prefer you.

2011-01-31T18:22:00.002+08:00

Today was well, a quite rich experience for me. Forgot the feeling of competition. Although we won, don't think tht was the best. Its jus the feeling of your hand being against u. I think everyone cld tell tht we were nervous, ohwell, and we got thrashed in the first round. Felt shocked at my playing . Ugh. Hope tht we wld grasp it all.

U said you were so over jealousy, so why the reason for splitting the gender.

2011-01-29T12:47:00.002+08:00

Yesterday prayer meeting really taught me a lot. Nt so much of the meeting, nt to say the meeting was bad, I really prayed a lot for the church ..cos ohwell. But sitting behind and watching it all really made me learnt bout my selfishness and self control. As my father went thru the sins and confessions for the ten commandments and when he went to the word jealous. I bowed my head down. I was really guilty. I told the lord tht I can't take this jealousy anymore. It was so hard, jus watching . So I tried my best. I realised tht my selfishness has actually caused her to keep givng in to me. I guess I shldnt be too selfish. Things will never go according to my way, love nvr will. Sometimes one must be happy to know tht I am the one who will make this two together. But its jus so hard.

Just so hard. And today is gna be another long day.

Thank you wesley for tahaning me. He's my new seating partner, and I am gna be really moody and again, he will be my punching bag.

Thanks:)

2011-01-24T17:38:00.002+08:00

Wonder what tht whole phrase means. Hm. With the knowledge then can find out more. Ahya hao lei ah. So tiring sia sec 4. Had fever in the morning, bt it cooled dwn a little after being in the hotter area. hahaha, though tired but had a fruitful walk with God in the "cool of the day". It does matter to Him how much you walk with him. He really wans you to invite him into your life and just talk to him bout your daily life. Really thank God for uncle wongs lesson.

2011-01-23T17:26:00.002+08:00

Having training but came out to have a breather. Wah so tired. Dk why he so emo. Hmm. Guess I was so caught up by my own feelinga tht I did nt take into consideration his feeling. Nt to say tht he likes me lah, haha. Cheered up abit frm Sunday and synthesis. Though tomorrow very scared plus tues too I will continue to trust in the God. Wish there was more I cld do to helop. What is wrong. Trying to find out but idk how. Sigh. Okay competiton coming better go and prac again.

2011-01-21T20:46:00.002+08:00

diary to God

sigh. must i really tahan all this, esp when i have a unstable fever, and so much homework? is really what you intend for me to learn. take all the hatred? because i feel like a bad person right now. i really really wish tht i can be an invisible, wher nobody recognises me. it will be so much easier to be loved and be peaceful with everybody rather then suffer at ppl constantly glaring at you. or purposely saying out' i hate you' to break my heart. yknow tht if a person smiles at me, my whole world will be lit up immediately, bt when someone glares at me, purposely do things to embarrass me or say stuff to spite me, i will feel very worse and my heart will truly break into many many pieces, and unless tht person smiles or reconciles me, my tht priece will stay broken. feeling a swava of emotions kept inside. sadly, only you listen to me. feeling really sick nw. having a bad headache, a slight dizziness, flu. crud man. must be the aircon from the class. oh wna share what chenhui said ytd. liike her mum checked her msg and then saw a guy sending her ,<3, and she din knw it meant hearts lah, so she said oh her friend wna learn numbers thts why more then 3 mah. wah laughed at this simple but funny joke. okay, bck to serious. yup. competition starting soon, pressure rising. gna be the hardest time of the year again, with cynical comments. trusting tht you will help me thru this tough period of time.

and though i dont dare to say it to her directly cos i shy, get well soon, claire:))

2011-01-18T18:54:00.002+08:00

Wah, feeling pretty crushed now. I feel like just breaking dwn and cry. This really sucks when I am trying to think of ways to comfort a friend and yet I am in one big puddle of mud myself. Looks like you still think I badmouth you. Looks like you dwna be friends anymore. Was my msg really tht hurting to you, I din say much. Whatever you think I said tho, really sorry for tht. Idk why you are thinking tht way. I knw I hurt you, and I'm sorry too. If you think last week I was whispering and if that's what makes you think tht I'm gossiping bout you to syidah and sweekee, you are wrong. I ws really troubled the past wek, initially nt because of you, bout the koref, and everything. But you suddenly started ignoring and going recess with other ppl cos I make you feel unwelcome . But now all my worries are this. And something else. Why are you treating me like tht?

And for all the people going thru different kinda trials, please cheer up by knwing you have a buddy going thru it as well. Even tho we may nt be going thru the same kinda trials, but I know and we all know tht you can succeed. Yes, we will

2011-01-14T20:44:00.003+08:00

WHY ME

i keep always wondering why' what makes you all hate me. why issit that im the one taking in all your hatred and having to take it dwn myself. why why why. am i in your way of doing something? well i guess so but this is a fair game. i dont understand' really. yall are making me blur. and i dont even knw wher this whole hatred thing started. today was a pretty horrible week' and yall must still add on to it. cannot go malaysia with sec 3 was bad enough' because my parents dont alow me to. got over this' and after that yall satrt again. and i must wait for another 6 mths before this whole thing cools dwn. why cant everyone just be friends, cooperate and live harmoniously.

ugh

on a much lighter note; appreciate 1r5's hyper mood today. was guiding a class along for the heritage tour, and they really made me really happy. they were all unique in their own ways. seeing that im a introvert after doing the mbti test and seeing that this whole class talks to me, i feel much of an extrovert now. nah lah, they will just walk up and say hi. haa. the only bad thing was i had no idea how to answer some of their questions about the tour ard ngee ann kongsi and heritage tour bleah cos i nvr go befor and even if i had gone, i nvr listen one. so this gave me a rare opportunity. using the microphone in the bus to speak to the students on my limited knowledge about ngee ann kongsi, memorial park, wakheong something temple and yes of cos, the chinese traditional medicine centre.

pekcek. i hope when i go to a jc, i dw to be involved in all these competitive matters alr, hate conflict ttm.

2011-01-12T17:32:00.002+08:00

Today has been a preety bad week for me. What with everything happening so fast I cannot grasp it all. All the fears and anxieties and sadness over many probs. Haiyah, sign. Wish I was the old innocent me, knwing nth at all about the imperfections of the church, and the whole gossip thing. You do good, or bad, there will always be someome without fail, to tok bout you. must try to get rid of my deep self consciousness. After all, my main purpose is to serve God not men.

2011-01-08T12:35:00.002+08:00

Ahya feeling quite low spirited and outta place. Feeling so tired studying and dk whether anything is going into my brain. Then because of you...ahya. wish I din even sign up for tht application. Top followers my crap ah don't even get you on my freaking list. Guess al of that was a fake, an act. Ugh. All I have to do now is to learn to let go. Let go man.

Every new day
Your glory unfolds
Feeling my eyes
With your treasures untold
The beauty of holiness brings worship anew
My greatest love is you

Call me deeper
Into your grace
The river that flows
From the holy place
Wash over me
Cleansing me thru
My greatest love is you.

Lord, please let me hold on to you and your word and never let go .and help me to let go the things of the world for they are unholy.

2011-01-07T21:24:00.002+08:00

this few days were pretty tiring for me man, what with all those weekly ca and everything, feeling all so stressed up. well i guess tho a little stress does ppl some good, like all my love friendship probs i dont think bout it cos im busy. haha. hope that this will maintain. today, many things happen. firstly, pe. we had to do jumping jacks and after that jog then after that there was this game that you must use the mat to transport the mat of one person preferably light so as to carry him till the other end, can have as many ppl you wan to carry. so after that we were the latest class to start cos everyone didnt want to do it . hm, then no one to carry. so i forgot i was sick then no one only a few ppl so i help lor, then i pull, then halfway drop cos super heavy. then i did for bout a few times then end alr lah. then i felt really dizzy, so i just almost fainted. my gosh, dk whats my sickness man. hm. my muscles were practically aching, and i cant see clearly everything was soo blur, so blur that i felt like vomiting. so halfway thru the next class i had to tell th teacher i needed to go toilet. it was so embarrassing lah. then i did vomit. ugh. then felt better. but i told wes i cldnt go to pierce ear with him alr cos too sick to keep running here and there. then, i went kfc with my friends lah, eat alr then go my hse to play tabletennis. then i dropped my phone inside the coke. here is scene 1:

plop, my phone dropped into the coke
eronica put her things dwn
xiaoen: eronica
eronica: what?
xiaoen: phone
eronica:huh wher?
xiaoen: drink
eronica: huh?
xiaoen pointed to her
and eronica was shocked

then amanda came
eronica: her phone dropped inside the coke
amanda: why haven take out?!
xiaoen: ohyea.

whoops.

2011-01-01T00:15:00.001+08:00

happy new year! :) wishing everyone this year a blessed and fruitful one. If you feel you did not live 2010, make 2011 feel good:) anw, just did prayer, thanksgiving, and a few sharing bout my life this year, the success and failures everything. Feeling good now.:)

2010-12-30T20:55:00.002+08:00

UGH.

why am i so fickle minded plus sad and happy constantly?? whats wrong with me? why are you purposely making me?! OH, GOSH. UGH. THOUGHT YOU WERE EMO BUT MAYBE YOU ARE AND YOU ARE HIDING IT.

2010-12-30T20:22:00.002+08:00

had a fun time with my family today, watch gulliver in the evening, then went gym then played squash, and it was funny during the squash game haha, because we were walking to the squash court and this coach and coachee was staring at us as if we were craazzy . lol.then we opened our bag took out our 'squash racket' and then they laughed, then we were thinking whether this is tennis racket cos we cldnt figure it out haha, then we saw a tennis ball inside. whoops right, i know. quite funny, haha. wondering what in the world am i thinking man. had a few nonsenical dreams last night. dont waanna think much bout it haha. and aw man, why do i always have the hots for these two ppl.ugh. feeling sick, but recovering soon. wonder whether when i go tmt next year , will i fall sick and just be the insects and creepy crawlies food, or i will be strong.

2010-12-29T09:44:00.000+08:00

please come. Please do come.

Sigh.

2010-12-26T09:40:00.002+08:00

merry christmas everyone! Hope you all really understand the true meaning of christmas. Just learnt a new fun fact for today. You know why christmas tree is put up during christmas? Because the cross that jesus died on was frm a used. The wood, i was meaning. Haha. Fun fact eh? Ytd, we celebrated the fact that jesus, God only son, came dwn to earth. By the birth of marry. And his purpose was to ltr die on the cross for us. hard is that for non christians to accept right. But its true. ? He meant to set us free frm our sins. And ytd, i felt this wonderful thing. That just overwhelmed me. Its the freedom. I cant tell you in detail, but i just wna thank this guy for telling me the truth, and this really set me free. No more sleepless nights, no more crying, no more worries for that situation anymore. I feel like this heavy burden unloaded frm my chest. Its like, i can suddenly live a normal life once again. But i oso have been praying earnestly that he will recover quickly. Yea, frm heart problem. And i felt so happy i wanted to spread this good news to the friends worrying wif me. But i realised, or God told me, its parallel wif how happy we shld want to spread the good news to the friends who have not accepted christ yet. Ohoh, i just wna say something. Like when our eyes connect, i wonder if its the real connection. I dk. Or issit just coincidental. And i thought you loved short hair, actually, maybe its only me that loved your short hair. But i cant change the fact that now you wanted long hair. Ugh, but its still dashing. Haha.

2010-12-21T17:51:00.002+08:00

if i say please, will you stop?

Hm, read my dads mentor thing, sounds good. But wondering whether it went well though. Haha, hope he did. Yknow this morning i realised there were many rumors bout that thing. I din realise that ..i mean yea that guy likes me but dontnid until liddat right. I mean, ugh. Its so hard to forgive this kinda thing. It infuriates me like crazy. This gives the wrong impression to many ppl. Ugh. Guess i shall oso have to keep a secret blog so that whatever nonense i wna span without the stallers seeing will be gone. Yes i shall do that.

2010-12-19T16:46:00.001+08:00

i realised that i have been actually grumbled more then tok bout the blessings i have in this life. Sorry bout ytd rumblings. Was having mood swings, haha. Guess i will nid my sour plums soon again! Have much to thank God for, like the day i worked at toa payoh. Yknow, though the circumstances were pretty harsh on me i will tell you ltr, but i thank God that i passed thru it and i had a wonderful partner, and i cld wake up the next morning to go to the conference. Firstly, though the pay was good, we had to work for 14hours. Well there were many things to give thanks for too, like the pay or and there are two free meals and there is a free t shirt. Hahaha, much much:) however, i had the most painful diahorrea i had . That i had to go toilet almost after every match, then halfway. It was pain lor, i had to go 14 to 15 times. Then there was my partner, who helped me. He shooed me off and use the clipboard hit my butt then because he did it i felt more pain and had to push to the toilet..